This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! He thinks it's going to be too difficult. I said this above, but I read this phrase as his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. The Rio does have huge rooms! About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. He definitely is the one that needs the work, but ideally I would think they should have both couples sessions and individual sessions for him. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. I would not be surprised if those are who his friends are. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. But truly, its a secondary concern here. . I think that theres value in saying, this could be going on, and it might be something to watch out for, but definitive statements that range far, far beyond whats in the letter are really problematic, both because they can end up being irrelevant and because they can make the OP dismiss the rest of the input being offered, because the read on that particular aspect the situation is incorrect. When I said but no one else called their boyfriends he then he shifted to well, if you want to have a relationship like THEIRS I think it doesnt take much poking at this topic to find out if your spouse is anxious or controlling. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. Super reasonable! Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. Youve talked about what your husband thinks of the trip, and what you reckon the impact of going and not going would be on your career. Yeah. If this were my husband, Id point out that Im statistically more likely to be murdered by him than by a stranger, therefore its probably safer to be in Vegas than at home. And heres what wethink will help. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. and getting an emergency beacon. If he refuses to go, go alone. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. I think that couples counseling is the best place to start, no matter what the underlying problem is, because its a relationship problem that hes laying on her. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. The big issue is that hes being controlling and jealous in a really misogynist way, so Im not actually all that concerned with or sympathetic about notional anxiety issues at this point. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. So I understand, at some level, where the husband is coming from when he thinks about these horrible things happening to his spouse. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. It isnt like the reputation just happened by accident. Ive been to Vegas a couple of times and saw a ton of business conferences and expos going on. Ive traveled to all kinds of interesting destinations where Ive only seen the inside of the airport and conference rooms. me go. LOL! Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. after that. Never! She is bottle fed and was at that time, too, so if your LO is EBF, I'd say add more time. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). But refusing to participate in the arguments and the anxiety spirals by hanging up and walking out saved my relationship with both my parents in the long-term. My husband and I sat way in the back and giggled through the whole show. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. To expand a little bit on what Anita and others above have posited: Regardless of whether this is solely an artifact of having absorbed toxic masculinity, or an anxiety/perseverative/compulsive thoughts issue, or some combination thereof, my experience has been that successful treatment of such issues will likely involve at least some behavior change on the part of the OP, and the OP stands to gain a lot of helpful personal skills by being an active participant (as appropriate) in whatever mix of interpersonal, couples, or cognitive behavioral therapy that they find. Ithewhat??? Sounds great. Your level of trust in him. Vegas has a convenient airport, massive conference facilities, and tons of hotels that cater to business travelers. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Maybe there are some things about himself orhis relationship with you that need some work. The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. and a lot to it more than the Strip. Also she is sole provider for family? Like Winter says . For the more immediate concerns, maybe you could also suggest scheduling a phone call every night or something to help put his mind at ease, and that yall meet with a counselor to help work through his concerns. Dude she failed to mention that she hid pictures of her with mail strippers and lied about it and when I seen what pictures she showed me she dressed up better than she ever dresses at home. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. Also by facing the problem together wife will know what steps he need she to do to get better on this/call him out if he isnt doing it. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. If you think a situation sounds abusive, please dont recommend couples therapy. So yeah somethings just not right. You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. Whats not real is all these horrible things Im imagining happening to her. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. Either hes lying, or hes manipulating these conversations so he hears only what he wants, or you guys need saner friends. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. Either his friends are also super controlling and/or prone to irrational fears or he totally fabricated the story about asking if other people would let their wives go to Las Vegas for work. A week? And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. :D. Naked Business Orgy in Vegas is what Im naming my metal-covers-of-show-tunes band. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. I was fine. There are several important issues to consider, however, when deciding if your husband should go on vacation with you. with his friends, not you. either. Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). Ive visited Las Vegas several times and loved it. One day was outside. Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. I also love Vegas. oceans apart 3 teile gratis. See a g- d- counsellor. I'm kind of dreading it because my infant hates the car and my 2 year old is not the sitting type. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. You sound like a real piece of work. Thoughts? My comment is intended to apply to any combination of genders.). Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. Im not going to be lured into seedy underworld just because its there! $60/night + $30/night resort fee, and $30 worth of groceries for the week kept me out of the pricey restaurants. Studies show that men who are outearned by their wives and cannot cover the households bills with their own income generally act out more about their successful wives. Right. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. Funny, random story (OP, do not tell your husband this), one of my husbands coworkers met his wife while they were both on trips in Vegas. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. This is control issues and fear and jealousy and toxic masculinity, not a thing that needs compromising on or a relationship issue. My spouse travels for work all the time. Casinos are closely monitored and have security, and its a very touristy city, so I imagine there are a lot of people out and about at night (at least near the strip). Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. rarely cede ground. Which update is that? Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). When does his flight land? Not everything is OMG READ GIFT OF FEAR!!! Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? In neither case do I think you should stay home, and I think youre best able to answer the question of his motivations, and how to deal with them long term. Same! And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. I cant speak for anyone but IMHO a little travel, twice a year or so is fine and take your spouse if you can but this several overnights monthly is not what I signed up for. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. Street photography! Actually, it would be easy for my husband to find someone who shares these views. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. The weather sucks in Vegas. oh, and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. Only time we have really argued is this stupid Vegas trip which isnt mandatory. Is a 4 day trip to Vegas worth loosing a 10 yrs relationship. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). Ive also recently spent a weekend away with a close friend at a lake for a swimming event, and numerous overnight trips to see my family or friends in other parts of the country. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. My husband knows I am a lone soul sometimes and love my exciting career. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. What do you think of the trip? Nail on head, right here. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. Just a quick note to say can people please stop calling it abuse and then recommending marriage counselling in the same breath. Like fposte said the husband would only mention his friends opinions if it supported his own. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. A friend of mine was sort of that guy! Hope youre all right, OP. I dont much care for Vegas. But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. He would be excited, even. Updated on July 08, 2011. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. Not necessarily. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. Just stayed at a swanky suite in the Venetian with a view of the strip for $140/night. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. I didnt have to take many work trips, being a teacher, but I did occasionally go to educational seminars. Irrational fears are just a normal part of life, especially in these days of social media and around-the-clock news coverage, but when they either start holding you back from doing things you want/need to do or start negatively affecting the people in your life, thats a sign youve stepped over the line of normal and should seek help finding that line again. Ding ding ding! Except he took a poll of his mom. Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. During the first trip I spent most of my time during the day sight-seeing by myself (or with tour groups) while my wife attended her conference and later meeting her and friends for dinner and evening events. You can easily avoid all the sinful things to do in Vegas, if you want to. Im wondering if hes ever been to Vegas? Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Needless to say, I did not find this a compelling argument for reconciling. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). No, but I feel like almost every thread, somebody chimes in with an armchair anxiety diagnosis. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. I work for a global health organization. (I lost 30 pounds not eating while she was away, and we both shed lots of tears at TSA seeing her off) Now, new project, wife just did 12 days in Portland just saw her off for 3 days planning there for another two week project there. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. I did a big expo in Ocean City during the Spring everything was still closed, I spent a good chunk of it setting stuff up, taking stuff down, and generally stuck in a hotel and the only fun I had was going to a few restaurants and walking on the beach for half an hour. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Business trips are the only time I like going to Vegas. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Agreed! Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. Whoops, tried to highlight he says and stumbled into some html. wendy's superbar menu,